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He know hes going to lose the war. This war can be anything like life or a real battle. He then says that life can be beautiful for anybody by the way you look at it but he says that actually its pure s*t. The chance of winning the war or making his life back to normal again is long gone. So now he is looking to kill himself so he's searching for the angel of death. Which by the way is suicide. One can drink the emotional pain away but that can't be going on forever so drinking the emotions away is so not an option. Now his mind is full of griefs like maybe mental suffering arising from any cause, as misfortune, loss of friends, misconduct so now he is sure to kill himself with no doubt and second thoughts.
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