Had To (leave) lyrics

So you were with us until the last minute
And then you were gone from here
And I watched and I just figured out
That I will never see you again

I had a choice
You had to leave
Into the night
This was my choice
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/katatonia/had_to_leave.html ]
It's so hard to explain what I meant
When I said that I wanted you dead
But I saw you fuck up and I just can't get back
The feeling I had for you

So I put all my strength into my only will
It was the only thing to do
And now I only regret that I cried
Cause you would never do that for me