Billericay Dickie lyrics

(spoken)
good evening i'm from Essex
in case you couldn't tell
my given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay
and I'm doing very well

had a love affair with Nina
in the back of my Cortina
a seasoned up hyena could not have been more obscener
she took me to the cleaners
and other misdemeanours
but I got right up between her
rum and her Ribena

well, you ask Joyce and Vicki
if candy-floss is sticky
I'm not a blinking thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
and i'm doing very well

I bought a lot of brandy
when I was courting Sandy
took eight to make her randy
and all I had was shandy
another thing with Sandy
what often came in handy
was passing her a 'Mandy'
she didn't half go bandy

so you ask Joyce and Vicki
if I ever took the mickey
I'm not a flipping thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
and I'm doing very well

I'd rendezvous with Janet
quite near the Isle of Thanet
she looked more like a gannet
she wasn't half a prannet
her mother tried to ban it
her father helped me plan it
and when I captured Janet she bruised her pomegranet

so you ask Joyce and Vicki
if i ever shaped up tricky
I'm not a blooming thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
and I'm doing very well

you should never hold a candle if you don't know where it's been
the jackpot is in the handle on a normal fruit machine

so you ask Joyce and Vicki
who's their favourite brickie
I'm not a common thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
and I'm doing very well

I know a lovely old toe-rag obliging and noblesse
kindly, charming shag from Shoeburyness

my given name is Dickie
I come from Billericay
I thought you'd never guess

so you ask Joyce and Vicki
a pair of squeaky chickies
I'm not a flaming thicky I'm Billericay Dickie
and I'm doing very well

oh golly, oh gosh come and lie on the couch
with a nice bit of posh from Burnham-on-Crouch

my given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay
and I ain't a sloutch

so you ask Joyce and Vicki
about Billericay Dickie
I ain't an effin' thicky
you ask Joyce and Vicki
and I'm doing very well