If I had a hammer, I'd build a house for two.
And if I had a sailing ship, I'd take a trip with you.
And if I had a poets hand, I'd write a verse for thee.
And if I had the painter's touch, on canvas you'd be.
But I don't have a hammer
And I don't have a ship
So I can't build your house
And we can't take a trip
And I'll never be a poet
Nor have the painter's grace
So I'll never write your verse
Nor immortalize your face
And also I have herpes...
Lyrics taken from http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/stephen_lynch/love_song.html